Freedom of Voice

Last night, my friend with whom we are traveling looked at me and said, “You look so relaxed.” I instantly jumped into, what’s-that-supposed-to-mean mode. Is looking relaxed code, like “ you look tired” usually means, “you look like crap”?  What she really meant was I looked at peace, like I had no cares in the world versus my usual wound up look. And I was. That’s what a day of wine tasting will do for you. Really, what a week in a beautiful landscape with the love of my life, good friends who I can be myself with—framily I call them—locally sourced food, and wine will do for you. I left work behind, I left school behind, I left it all behind.  I am ready to get back to my routine, my own bed, my dog, my life, but I needed this hiatus. It made me once again realize I live a charmed life, even with its ups and downs. I just need to remember that when I get wound up once again (and I’m guessing that will take less than 24 hours). 

Last week, my post was inspired by "These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs. In her response, a dear friend dropped another gem by Natalie Merchant: "Kind and Generous." The lyrics really hit home, especially these days. I've been working hard to overcome some pretty unsavory and deep-seeded feelings, emotions I thought I was doing a bang-up job of ignoring and squelching. Until I wasn't. I've always been empathetic and compassionate with others but have always struggled to extend those kindnesses to myself. Somehow I got the message that I wasn't worthy of it, that I had to live up to some impossible set of standards just to be good enough. And, don't misconstrue this as me blaming my mother (everyone blames the poor mother) or my upbringing in general. These messages come fast and furious from all directions in our society. I just did a stellar job of internalizing every single one of them. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who see all t...