Kind and Generous

Last week, my post was inspired by "These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs. In her response, a dear friend dropped another gem by Natalie Merchant: "Kind and Generous."

The lyrics really hit home, especially these days. I've been working hard to overcome some pretty unsavory and deep-seeded feelings, emotions I thought I was doing a bang-up job of ignoring and squelching. Until I wasn't. I've always been empathetic and compassionate with others but have always struggled to extend those kindnesses to myself. Somehow I got the message that I wasn't worthy of it, that I had to live up to some impossible set of standards just to be good enough. And, don't misconstrue this as me blaming my mother (everyone blames the poor mother) or my upbringing in general. These messages come fast and furious from all directions in our society. I just did a stellar job of internalizing every single one of them.

I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who see all the things that I don't recognize in myself. When doing an exercise in the book Self-Compassion by Kristen Neff, a loaner from someone I admire to the nth degree, I was supposed to create an imaginary friend and write a letter from her perspective. I chuckled as I thought: I don't have to create an imaginary friend. I have those friends. If I put them all together, I have a Super Friend, one who would leap tall buildings in a single bound to help you when you ask--and even when you don't.

Here's my open letter to all those friends, using and reworking some of Natalie Merchant's sage words:

Dear Friend,

How can I repay your kindness and generosity? The answer is I can't. First of all, I know you won't let me, that you never expected a pay day or reciprocity. And, there's not anything in the world I can give you that is enough to show you how much I value and love you. All I can do is tell you every once in a while and hope I have the words to truly express my admiration and appreciation.

I don't know why you see beyond all my flaws and find my idiosyncrasies endearing. Your vision must be some kind of special.

Thanks for being the person who will step up and confront my inner mean girl when she gets out of control. You have an uncanny way of shutting that bitch up when she bullies me. Now, I just need you to teach me how to do that for myself.

Because of  you, I am learning to extend your generosity and compassion to myself. Your bravery in calling me out on my ridiculous opinion of myself has given me pause, made me reflect on how I talk to myself, see myself.

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you and for loving me. I would have never made it through the tough times in my life without you, and the good times would have fallen flat without you around.

Love,
Annmarie


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