Freedom of Voice

2/28/22  Looking at the week ahead, there are a lot of things to navigate, plan for, consider. And that's OK.  I fluctuate between wanting my old life back where I had no schedule and all the flexibility in the world and loving every minute of the busyness and fulfillment from work.  Finding something in between would be ideal, but when is life ideal? I have as close to a perfect situation as I am going to get professionally, and personally, my life is golden.  So, on this last day of the month, I will just appreciate the manic Monday. 

2/26/22 Just breathe through it all-- the good, the bad, the benign. There is power in breath-- it energizes, calms, and regulates. Breath is the bread of life.

2/25/22 Time keeps marching ahead, a whole month nearly gone in a snap.  There's no way to stop it, the only defense to savor small moments, take it all in--every sound, sight, scent, sensation. Time marches, sometimes dragging me along with it unwillingly. Youthful wistfulness begging for the clock to speed up, middle age angst pleading with it to slow down. 

2/24/22 Russian invasion of Ukraine.  No shock, no awe.  Criticism of U.S. reaction. Praise for U.S. reaction. There are no winners in this. Pray for the people of Ukraine, victims of larger powers. 

2/23/22 Inhaling deeply, enjoying the coolness of the ice pack wrapped around my knee, juxtaposed with the warm homemade flax seed milk cappuccino sliding down my throat, both calming and energizing, a post-workout boost, something to prepare for the busy day ahead.  The whoosh of the dishwasher like a gentle river, my long exhale matching its flow.  I look outside at the lush landscape, impossibly green golf course, gentle swaying palm fronds, pops of bright pink adding an energetic punch.  The birds are chirping, welcoming the day, greeting their friends. I will welcome it with them, for these brief moments have opened my eyes to how blessed I truly am to be in this time, in this place, in this space. To have this is everything. 

2/22/22 Well...didn't exactly snap it back yesterday--lunch with a friend turned into not caring as much at dinner. I didn't go nuts, just ate white flour and cheese at both meals. I did start right with a small banana, but followed with flatbread and ravioli. Oh well.  The old me would have all sorts of things to say about this. The new me knows it can't be a daily thing if I plan on reaching my goals. Like the devil and angel on my shoulder, they engage in some pretty intense battles, but more and more, the angel is winning. 

2/21/22 Time to snap it back after a fun weekend with a longtime friend. Some things I observed about my behavior on this trip: I didn't purposely deprive myself ( I can't have that because...) but instead just ordered what I really wanted. Surprisingly, often what I wanted was the more nutrient-dense option (except the midnight bag of baked Cheetos) I hate dairy and didn't die.  I still don't think it needs to be a staple in my diet, but I also don't have to avoid it like the plague. Ditto wheat.  On the flip side, I was achy and creaky each am. May have been the weather, walking in "comfortable" but not athletic shoes on cobblestones and uneven pavers, or just from long stints of sitting on the travel day, but it could have also have been the food. Nothing debilitating mind you, just not my best.  I enjoyed the shock of the girl who did my body scrub and facial when I told her I had a 24 and 26-year old. You give me hope  was her response. OK. I'll t...

2/17/22 It dawned on me this am that I missed writing the last two days. I know I will be missing the next 3 days for a vacation, so I was important to sit and write--even though I am not feeling much like a writer. Or really a success at much. I am in a weird transition time--trying to build on the good habits I started, but slipping. Having grumpy days. Getting easily agitated over really minor things.  Good times.  I could blame the full moon, perimenopause, work stress, blah, blah, blah. But I won't. I am not blaming anything at all. It's really just a deep psychological shift I need to make where I allow myself to be successful and stop assigning the "good" or "bad" label to everything. There will be days I do the work that will lead me to my goals. There will be some (less) days where I choose not to. It's really that simple.  My actions cast votes for the person I want to be. Today, I want to be a writer. I want to be someone who honors her body w...

2/14/22 We don't celebrate Valentine's Day, a "Hallmark Holiday" as my husband calls it. At first, I was peeved. But, over the years his "logic" began to make a little more sense.  Why is there only one day reserved to celebrate love? Shouldn't it be year-round? OK. At least it gets him out of battles for overpriced roses or jewelry purchases for things I will hardly wear. And, in his defense, I get beautiful, reasonably priced tulips (or roses when tulips aren't available) for our anniversary in April.  After 30 years of marriage and 34 total years together, I am thinking he is on to something: love can't be a special event, it has to be a daily practice. 

2/13/22 Saturday was sunny. Sunday is not--at least not starting off that way. The whole world it seems is hyper-focused on the Superbowl, if not for the game, for the commercials or the half-time show. It's not a bad thing to have a diversion, something else to focus on instead of political tensions, global issues, and a tiny virus that is ruling our lives.  I really want to just sit on my couch for the day, but I am choosing to make this a super Sunday by being productive and positive. With the week ahead, I won't regret putting in the work today. 

2/12/22 After a short stint of being grumpy, I am finally seeing the light. Today is not only sunny outside, I am feeling sunny inside as well. Even the birds are singing praises for today. After I hit "publish" on this short and sweet piece, I am heading out for a walk. I thought about a gym workout, but this weather prompted me to rethink that plan.  Happy sunny Saturday!

2/11/22 In one week, I will be on a plane on my way to Savanah for a much-needed girls' getaway. In an effort to not let distance, work, general busyness, or laziness stop me from seeing people I love and having some fun, when J mentioned getting together, I instantly picked a weekend and requested a day off.  Another resolution that is not a resolution coming to fruition. 

2/10/22 When your computer warns you it's about to run out of power, you start typing quickly. It's actually a great metaphor for life-- run, run, run until your body just cries foul and shuts you down.  The fact that I have 2 ice packs and a heating pad on different body parts is not escaping me, all temporary glitches on the road to progress but definitely signs to let the batteries recharge. 

2/9/22 I'm taking this food freedom thing a little too far, but what is done is done.  The all-or-nothing cycle is really hard to break, so I will acknowledge it and take steps to reverse it. I just need to remind myself I AM in control, I CAN make choices that are better for me, but I am also allowed to make not so great choices too.  Balance is key. Before you beat yourself up as always, extend some yourself some grace. Loosening the reigns of control every once in a while  arguably is a good strategy--until it's not.  Create a safe space for yourself, keeping  expectations high, but not impossible to maintain. 

2/8/22 Today's acrostic brought to you by the word focus. Forever on that hamster wheel, Over and over going round, Caught up in the trap. Unstick yourself from those spokes, Seek the road that goes somewhere. 

2/7/22 Typical of a Monday, I almost forgot to do this! I have let a few little daily habits slip a bit, and now is the time to snap it back. I've made too much progress to go backwards. A little acrostic is always an easy frame and a good way to work on the craft of word choice: My progress may be slow-- One day at a time. Negative thoughts love to creep in-- Damn them to hell! Always keep your eye on the prize-- You're winning just by showing up. 

2/6/22 The irony of a Sunday that doesn't start out sunny is not lost on me. It is currently overcast, gloomy even (by Florida standards). A front came in last night that seems to be sticking around this morning. Of course, most of us will accept gray skies if it brings cooler, dryer weather.  This got me thinking about the phrase, doom and gloom.  Lately, the general state of society has come up in numerous discussions with different friends, some in public ed, some retired, some younger and working in a variety of fields. There is something amiss that no one can seem to pinpoint, a doom and gloom that has permeated everything, tainted our general national optimism.  It doesn't need to be this way. We don't need to let the narratives on the news and of manipulative "leaders" meddle with our personal perspectives. The sun will come out--we just need to clear the clouds from our view. 

2/5/22 So many times I remember to attend to my body, my brain, Only to forget about my spiritual self, Until the universe smacks me upside the head, Letting me know I need to shift gears, Find a different route, Understand things in a new way, Light my path with a different source. 

 2/4/22 FriYay! I'm so happy you're here. After a few bad weekends feeling sick, I am looking forward to a wedding, a dinner with neighbors, outdoor walks, and getting stuff done around the house.  It's worth mentioning how grateful I'm feeling for my life at the moment--job I enjoy, co-workers I love, friends who keep me sane, beautiful home, wanting for nothing. It's not perfect, but it's pretty damn good. Way more than I ever imagined. Not too blessed to be stressed, but blessed enough to handle the stresses life tosses my way.  So, I'm embracing this first Friday of February and all the blessings it will bring. 

2/3/22 Now that I've proven once again to myself that I can make choices that are best for me , I need to keep that going. I allowed myself a slip up night--formerly known as Wine Wednesday in our house. I always planned to re-introduce wine but want to keep it more to the weekends. It really wasn't the wine--it was the chips and midnight pasta that I regret. I know I really need to be grain-free to feel my best, knowing I'll get stuck in situations where I will eat small amounts. But, last night wasn't one of those. I had the power to choose, and I chose something that left me feeling yucky. Chalk it up to lesson learned on this road to progress, not perfection. 

2/2/22  There's a local commercial for an estate planner with all 2's for the phone number. It always cracks me up when she calls it out. I guess today's date made me think of that--otherwise it's totally irrelevant, a random early morning musing. It feels like that's about all I have this morning. After a couple of days of feeling ill and mentally agitated, I am so relieved to be coming out of it, I don't have a lot on my mind.  Work is busy, but manageable. Plus working remotely helps me not take on the stress of others. I never realized how much of a difference that physical barrier can make for someone like me who soaks in the energy of those around her.  My personal life is good. Everyone I love doing their thing on their time without needing me, so I don't have any extras weighing on me on that front.  So, on this days of quadruple two's, I will just take a deep breath and count my blessings, one by one. 

 2/1/22 Today,  I should be celebrating:      the end of Whole 30      a month of reaching goals around my atomic habits      a size smaller jeans      a bra band size down      writing daily Instead, I am wallowing:      after a night of writhing in pain      intestinal issues that derailed my workout      and my sleep      wanting to eat so badly       but the little ping in my side saying "no" Looking forward to better days where things aren't working against me. I know they are just around the bend. I just have to keep showing up, taking my small steps to reach the curve.