Change of Heart

It finally happened.

Like a rubber band that had been stretched just a little too far one too many times, my flexibility finally gave way, and I snapped.  Before you call the authorities, let me assure you I didn't snap in the she-needs-to-be-committed-before-she-hurts-someone sense.  But, I did finally reach my limits and did something I thought I wouldn't do until it was time to retire for good:  I quit my job in education.

If you know me, then you know that for the past 9 years, I have been the epitome of a team-player. I don't even want to list all the things I agreed to do and the concessions I made in the name of It's What's Best for the (insert Kids, School, District here).  But, it's finally time to do what's best for me.

Gasp.

This change of heart makes me completely uncomfortable, like I'm the villain amongst superheroes.

Many signs have led to this decision, but the final lightbulb moment literally hit me on the head. Yes, l-i-t-e-r-a-l-l-y.

I sat on my son's bed, assisting my husband in the frustrating task of removing dresser drawers to dig out the clothing items that had fallen through the cracks and made closing said drawers an exercise in futility. My mind still reeling from the shock of being re-assigned to a school far, far away because of my expertise and effectiveness, I was debating on whether or not to write a resignation letter.

Then, it hit me. Boing.

The light fixture from the newly hung ceiling fan came crashing down with force directly on the top of my noggin.

Tears came first. Not just from the physical pain, but also from the emotional toil. Then, came the laughter.  Okay, God, I hear you.  Just in case I didn't read the other signs, I heard---and felt---this one.

My heart was heavy, but now it is light. Change is scary but often necessary.

As my good friend would say, "Onward!"

Comments

  1. AmyBethNovember 28, 2015 at 8:00 AM

    We all have our limits. Good for you for bravely going into an unknown future, rather than taking on what your heart already knew would be yet another disaster.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Annmarie November 28, 2015 at 9:45 AM

    Thanks for the feedback. It was a hard decision made easier by the terrible execution of a flawed plan. God shut one door, but opened another and rolled out the red carpet.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To Do's

If my skull had a hinge and you dared open it at the moment, you would be buried in an explosion of unfinished business, looming unknowns, unfounded fears, and endless "to do's." That's where I am today. And, I know I am not alone. So, here's a little poem for anyone at the base of a snow-covered mountain, waiting for the avalanche to bury her: To Do Do cut yourself some slack, woman      even as your list of responsibilities and tasks explodes,           especially when you feel incapable and overwhelmed. Say to yourself, "I'm capable." Say to yourself, "I'm worthy." Say to yourself, "I'm strong." Do allow yourself time to breath, lady      even when you're breathless from the demands of life,           especially when you feel like your breath seems to be running out. Tell yourself, "I got this." Tell yourself, "It's temporary." Tell yourself, "Just breathe." ...
Read more

Kind and Generous

Image
Last week, my post was inspired by "These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs. In her response, a dear friend dropped another gem by Natalie Merchant: "Kind and Generous." The lyrics really hit home, especially these days. I've been working hard to overcome some pretty unsavory and deep-seeded feelings, emotions I thought I was doing a bang-up job of ignoring and squelching. Until I wasn't. I've always been empathetic and compassionate with others but have always struggled to extend those kindnesses to myself. Somehow I got the message that I wasn't worthy of it, that I had to live up to some impossible set of standards just to be good enough. And, don't misconstrue this as me blaming my mother (everyone blames the poor mother) or my upbringing in general. These messages come fast and furious from all directions in our society. I just did a stellar job of internalizing every single one of them. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who see all t...
Read more

Say "Ahhh"

Image
No, this is not about going to the doctor. No one will be sticking a tongue depressor so far back in your throat you want to gag. I promise. The "ahhh" I'm talking about is that rush of air pushed out after a deep inhale, that point of release where you exhale all the stress building in your body, all that stuff making your neck tight, your heart race, your head pound, your brain freak out. My #1 goal for 2018 is to breathe through situations that would normally trigger worry and anxiety. The great thing is, I can pull it off without any special equipment or without drawing attention to myself, and especially important feature when you work with middle schools students who claim you're " triggered " every time you do or say anything they don't approve of. And, just in case you didn't know, that's pretty much everything. Come to think of it, I can exhibit signs of triggeredness (I'm fully aware this isn't a word--even before spell a...
Read more