Just Desserts

It’s OK to mourn your old life while embarking on your new one. Beyond-wise words from a friend—one who has restarted her life many times, one whose Zen-like approach to life has become my personal goal. She embodies calmness in the midst of chaos. 

And, so here I sit—sad that I can’t just call a friend or my daughter to meet me for a pedicure, an impromptu trip to TJ Maxx, or a walk around the neighborhood. Pining away for those opportunities—even though I didn’t see everyone as often as I should have, taking for granted the close proximity and availability—missing my job and the connections I made with students and peers, despite the challenging—and sometimes frustrating—nature of it. 

It begs the question: How do I move along without moving on? 

To me, moving on implies leaving all of that behind. I am not willing to do that. 

In contrast, moving along means I will carry my old life with me as my journey continues in a different place, keeping those connections that are so important to me.

Every step towards making this new place home feels like a betrayal, probably because I haven’t fully accepted all the changes that have hit me in the past six months. It’s a lot to digest, and those who truly know me understand that I don’t like to sit at the table for long. I’ll take the appetizer and main course, sip a couple glasses of wine along with it, but will be long gone before the dessert tray arrives. 

I thought my issue was with patience, but I am beginning to see that it’s so much more than that. It’s a sense that I don’t deserve the luxury. Self-depravation is my way of keeping myself in check, making sure I don’t get too cocky or conceited, avoid the closure that I need but am not ready to handle. 

What if I let myself indulge in that last course—literally and metaphorically? The possibilities strike both curiosity and fear deep inside me.  And, facing that fear is a risk I have to take if I ever want to live an authentic life—the one that I was meant for and that was meant for me. 


Comments

  1. melmwrightJuly 17, 2017 at 3:12 PM

    Do it! Have the sweet treat waiting for you, literally & figuratively. Find that sweetness every day if you can. It's one of the things that keeps us going through the struggling times. And we deserve to indulge. I have these words hanging in my living room & I read them every day: JOY is YOURS (just TAKE it). I believe this. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Annmarie July 17, 2017 at 3:23 PM

    Thanks for the encouraging response! I had some ice cream with Special Dark chocolate syrup today. That counts for the literal!

    ReplyDelete

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