Lemons

For the past few weeks, I've unwittingly abandoned my normal "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" attitude and have adopted a "when life gives you lemons, find the sourest one there is and suck on it until you pucker so hard your face collapses into itself" philosophy.

It's not a good look.

Not only does it not look good, it doesn't feel good. Anyone who knows me knows I much prefer bitter, intense flavors--think dry red wine, sharp cheese, straight up espresso, hot sauce--to mellow or sugary bites. But my taste in food and drink doesn't necessarily match my personality. Not that I'm always Sally Sunshine, but for the most part, I do lean toward the optimistic side of the feelings meter.

It all finally came to a head early last week. It will hereafter be known as Meltdown Monday. John came home for lunch, a real treat at the moment because I'm not back to work yet, and it's kind of nice to see him in the middle of the day.  We had a new dining room table delivered, on time I might add, and I was so happy with how perfect it fit into the space and with our decor.

"What are those marks?"

"It's rustic. They're supposed to be there," I answered, thinking he was talking about the purposeful etching throughout the chunk of wood.

"I don't think so. It looks like there was a strap or something that damaged it."

I walked over to see what he was talking about. And sure enough, there were several spots where the finish was nicked.

Enter the freak-out. I instantly turned this minor issue into an event of catastrophic proportions. Nothing ever goes right... I don't have time to deal with another problem...Why can't things just be right the first time...I'm sick of sitting around waiting for deliveries and service to have the problem not get resolved... I have too much to do before I go back to work...

 I'm sure there was more--maybe even a few choice curse words--but I worked myself into such a frenzy, I'm surprised I didn't black out.  Then, the tears. Oh, the tears. Even as I was shedding them, I was thinking, What is wrong with you? Calm down. It's not the end of the world. 

 All the frustrations of the past 11 months finally caught up with me. The weird thing is, I really believed I had been dealing with issues as they came along. I didn't even realize there was residual discontent.

After John left to return to work--rather hastily--I put myself in a time-out to think about what I had done and said.  I would've have wanted to get the hell away from me too--if only I could. After some quiet reflection, one of those a-ha moments cleared it all up: I had ridiculously high expectations about how my life would be once I moved back home. I figured I had suffered enough and life would roll out the red carpet for me, making sure there were no wrinkles for me to trip over. And, when one little thing after another didn't go as smoothly as I expected, I let my frustrations build and mount to the point of eruption.

Something had to give, and it wasn't going to be my sanity. I knew I had to put things into perspective. I had mistaken idealism for optimism. The idealist can only be happy when everything goes just so. That world I have created is a beautifully carefree place, but unfortunately it doesn't exist. The optimist, on the other hand, retains her positive attitude in spite of the things that will inevitably go wrong.

A bath, a walk, some writing, and a good night's sleep, and I was ready to view life from the right lens again, ditching the rose-colored glasses for the polarized lenses--the ones that make all the colors pop and bring clarity to my vision. Through this perspective, I can see the inconveniences of life are not catastrophes. They are simply reminders that I am here and alive.

Life will hand me lemons. Sometimes, it chucks so many at me, my instinct is to cover my face and run away. Instead,  I'll just squeeze all the juice out of each and every one, add some sugar, and sip away.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To Do's

If my skull had a hinge and you dared open it at the moment, you would be buried in an explosion of unfinished business, looming unknowns, unfounded fears, and endless "to do's." That's where I am today. And, I know I am not alone. So, here's a little poem for anyone at the base of a snow-covered mountain, waiting for the avalanche to bury her: To Do Do cut yourself some slack, woman      even as your list of responsibilities and tasks explodes,           especially when you feel incapable and overwhelmed. Say to yourself, "I'm capable." Say to yourself, "I'm worthy." Say to yourself, "I'm strong." Do allow yourself time to breath, lady      even when you're breathless from the demands of life,           especially when you feel like your breath seems to be running out. Tell yourself, "I got this." Tell yourself, "It's temporary." Tell yourself, "Just breathe." ...
Read more

Kind and Generous

Image
Last week, my post was inspired by "These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs. In her response, a dear friend dropped another gem by Natalie Merchant: "Kind and Generous." The lyrics really hit home, especially these days. I've been working hard to overcome some pretty unsavory and deep-seeded feelings, emotions I thought I was doing a bang-up job of ignoring and squelching. Until I wasn't. I've always been empathetic and compassionate with others but have always struggled to extend those kindnesses to myself. Somehow I got the message that I wasn't worthy of it, that I had to live up to some impossible set of standards just to be good enough. And, don't misconstrue this as me blaming my mother (everyone blames the poor mother) or my upbringing in general. These messages come fast and furious from all directions in our society. I just did a stellar job of internalizing every single one of them. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who see all t...
Read more

Say "Ahhh"

Image
No, this is not about going to the doctor. No one will be sticking a tongue depressor so far back in your throat you want to gag. I promise. The "ahhh" I'm talking about is that rush of air pushed out after a deep inhale, that point of release where you exhale all the stress building in your body, all that stuff making your neck tight, your heart race, your head pound, your brain freak out. My #1 goal for 2018 is to breathe through situations that would normally trigger worry and anxiety. The great thing is, I can pull it off without any special equipment or without drawing attention to myself, and especially important feature when you work with middle schools students who claim you're " triggered " every time you do or say anything they don't approve of. And, just in case you didn't know, that's pretty much everything. Come to think of it, I can exhibit signs of triggeredness (I'm fully aware this isn't a word--even before spell a...
Read more