Christmas Eve at Grandma's--A Micro Memoir




The single lit candle cast a soft glow under my grandma’s chin as she gingerly balanced the sheet cake while slowly shuffling it over to the buffet table where the rest of the family had gathered. 

“Happy birthday to you,” most sang gleefully, ignorant of my building terror. “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Jesuuuuus, happy birthday to you!” 

A searing embarrassment spread through me, singeing each of my nerve endings. I took in my breath so sharply, the cold air in my grandparent’s AC always set on 68 degrees because of grandma’s hot flashes home sent a sharp sensation through me, assuring me that, no, this wasn’t a nightmare, but was indeed all too real. 

I bowed my head like everyone else, not in prayer, but in mounting mortification. As I slowly lifted my head, I half expected to see tire tracks in the carpet where he once stood. But, he was still there, mouth agape in disbelief, staring wide-eyed at me, silently asking, What the hell just happened here?

I mouthed, I’m sorry, not because of what just happened, but because I knew what was coming next. 


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

To Do's

If my skull had a hinge and you dared open it at the moment, you would be buried in an explosion of unfinished business, looming unknowns, unfounded fears, and endless "to do's." That's where I am today. And, I know I am not alone. So, here's a little poem for anyone at the base of a snow-covered mountain, waiting for the avalanche to bury her: To Do Do cut yourself some slack, woman      even as your list of responsibilities and tasks explodes,           especially when you feel incapable and overwhelmed. Say to yourself, "I'm capable." Say to yourself, "I'm worthy." Say to yourself, "I'm strong." Do allow yourself time to breath, lady      even when you're breathless from the demands of life,           especially when you feel like your breath seems to be running out. Tell yourself, "I got this." Tell yourself, "It's temporary." Tell yourself, "Just breathe." ...
Read more

Kind and Generous

Image
Last week, my post was inspired by "These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs. In her response, a dear friend dropped another gem by Natalie Merchant: "Kind and Generous." The lyrics really hit home, especially these days. I've been working hard to overcome some pretty unsavory and deep-seeded feelings, emotions I thought I was doing a bang-up job of ignoring and squelching. Until I wasn't. I've always been empathetic and compassionate with others but have always struggled to extend those kindnesses to myself. Somehow I got the message that I wasn't worthy of it, that I had to live up to some impossible set of standards just to be good enough. And, don't misconstrue this as me blaming my mother (everyone blames the poor mother) or my upbringing in general. These messages come fast and furious from all directions in our society. I just did a stellar job of internalizing every single one of them. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who see all t...
Read more

Say "Ahhh"

Image
No, this is not about going to the doctor. No one will be sticking a tongue depressor so far back in your throat you want to gag. I promise. The "ahhh" I'm talking about is that rush of air pushed out after a deep inhale, that point of release where you exhale all the stress building in your body, all that stuff making your neck tight, your heart race, your head pound, your brain freak out. My #1 goal for 2018 is to breathe through situations that would normally trigger worry and anxiety. The great thing is, I can pull it off without any special equipment or without drawing attention to myself, and especially important feature when you work with middle schools students who claim you're " triggered " every time you do or say anything they don't approve of. And, just in case you didn't know, that's pretty much everything. Come to think of it, I can exhibit signs of triggeredness (I'm fully aware this isn't a word--even before spell a...
Read more