Seen and Heard

"Children should be seen and not heard—a phrase I heard so much as a child, it became a part of me. I internalized it. Believed it. 

Until now that is.

It took me years to realize that phrase—viewed as innocuous by my parents and their peer group—is code for you don’t matter; no one is interested in what you have to say."

These are the first few lines of a novel I started this summer. One I have neglected for a few months. I would like to think I'm just sitting on it, letting it percolate as my friend Laurie would say, but that's a lie. I'm stuck. Stalled. Afraid. But, that's another story for another post.

That phrase--Children should be seen and not heard--is a dangerous one, one that keeps victims voiceless, powerless. 

Case in point: Dr. Larry Nassar and his insidious abuse of hundreds of young women under his care. The world was watching those girls, seeing them. But, who was hearing them? They were ignored, led like lambs to slaughter every time they were "treated" by Nassar. They will forever be traumatized, bearing a cross they shouldn't have to. 

They should have been heard. Someone should have listened when they attempted to come forward. Instead, they were told it wasn't possible, that they should consider themselves lucky to have the privilege to receive medical treatment from such a brilliant man. 

They were seen, but they were not heard. And, there are thousands upon thousands of children--male and female--just like them in the world. Seen, but not heard. 

And, this isn't just true in these high profile cases. It's true in every day life.

When kids misbehave, they are sending us a message. They don't know how to verbalize their feelings, so they act out. It is our job as adults to decode their messages, listen to their verbal and non-verbal communication. Let them know they can safely share what is on their minds and that we will act responsibly upon it. 

As teachers, parents, mentors, coaches, doctors, nurses, or whatever role we play in a child's life, we must start hearing them, encouraging them to speak out, even when it seems disrespectful. Quite frankly, some of the adults they encounter don't deserve their respect. They should not be taught to obey someone's demands just because that person is an adult. They should be allowed to question things they feel are not right. Not that I enjoy when a child is being outwardly disrespectful, but again, they are sending a message in the only way they know how. And, the expectation that they respect adults hinges on the truth that the adults should only have their best interests at heart. That they will protect them from harm. Not all adults are capable of that. 

I shudder to think of all the messages I have missed along the way from my own children, their friends, my students. I wasn't always listening to their subtle clues, wasn't making the inferences I needed to. But, instead of dwelling on that, I will commit to listening---really listening--to the kids I encounter and letting them know they are being heard. 

Children should be seen AND heard. 




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