These Days

I've been feeling a little uninspired and worn down these days--mentally, not necessarily physically. So much to do, so much to fret about, all the craziness and sadness in the world too much for this empath to bear.

It's my thing: I have a hard time separating others' feelings and energy from my own. I allow myself to be drained. It's the thing I most need to change. Not to say I want to give up being empathetic. I believe that's one of my most valuable strengths and what draws people to me. And, being there for others physically and emotionally is important to me.

But, what about saving some of that compassion for myself? That was what was on my mind last Friday as I drove home from an after-work appointment. It was still on my mind Saturday morning as I drove home from Publix. And, on cue, one of my all-time favorite tunes, "These Are Days" by 10,000 Maniacs came on, bringing me to inexplicable tears, the words stripping away the hard candy shell protecting my gooey interior, as much as I tried not to crack.

These are the days you'll remember. 

 What if I don't want to remember these days?

Never before, and never since, I promise will the world be as warm as this.

 Really? Because the world seems pretty damn cold right now, the division more palpable than ever--or at least more noticeable to me.

You're blessed and lucky.


Yes, I know. It's just easier to focus on the stuff that makes me feel cursed and unlucky. It feeds my anger, gives me an excuse to bitch and moan, to hold myself back.

You are touched by something that will grow and bloom in you. 

 But, it's easier to be stagnant, to keep the status quo. That's not so bad, is it? After all, you said it--I'm blessed and lucky.

I know in my heart of hearts I can't remain happy with the status quo. I have a strong need to grow and bloom, to learn and become my best version. Unfortunately, that means I have a lot of work ahead of me. And, I've put it off long enough.

As Natalie Merchant so eloquently puts it, I really do have a "desire to be a part of the miracles [I] see in every hour." I just need to re-open my eyes, re-open my heart, open myself to doing what it takes to be a positive force in my professional and personal lives. It sounds easy enough, but I know the risks involved--I've been burned before. When you open yourself up to change, you open yourself up to criticism from others. What if they don't appreciate the changes I'm attempting to make? What if relationships go south because I choose to change the parameters?

These days, I am beginning to see the light, finally paying attention to the signs, hearing the message I have tried to silence for a little too long. I'm finally accepting the permission to be a little selfish, to do things just for me, to invest in myself.

These are the days. These are my days. My time to bloom.


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